Climbing rooftops just for the view.

Lately it seems that everything works against me. No matter what I do I feel like nothing works in my favor. I’ve made my share of mistakes recently, mainly as a result of being depressed and not caring much anymore. There’s always so much on my mind. 

It just seems like everything is falling apart. I lost the only person I’ve ever gotten close enough to actually love. I love her more than I could ever explain. She’s been my closest friend for most of my life. Things between us have changed and she’s just not the girl I fell head over heals for about a year and a half ago. I know that she’s in there somewhere. I want to get her guard down and get back in where things were comfortable. I miss being close and having someone to come home to, and to just be able to talk and feel accepted by someone. I felt loved for the first time in my life, by anyone, more than a friendship. For once I felt affection. I would trade the world just for a minute with that smile and those eyes. But it’s over and out of my control. Things fell apart way to fast. I hate it. 

As I mentioned before, I can’t think straight. Jack has been on my mind a lot lately. Since his birthday he’s all I think about. I could relate, and it hurts. Knowing what it’s likt to want out as bad as he did sucks. We were both fucked from the start and barely given a chance. I don’t know how to word this properly and I won’t be satisfied with it no matter how I try but, I wish I could let go or get past this. I want to forgive him for what he’s done to himself but that’s not it. He didn’t do anything but get away from the torture he endured from his everyday life. I can’t say that I blame him, and to blame him for what he did to everyone that cared about him is selfish. It’s not about me or anyone else no matter how you look at it. Yeah we’re all sad that he’s gone and all wish we could have said goodbye but he gave us that chance so many times. I hate to say it but we, or at least a select few of us saw this coming. If given that chance to say goodbye not a single one of us would have taken it. I know I wouldn’t have. I would have done the same as I did the last time I was given that opportunity. I would have tried to save him wich hurt more than watching him leave. Fuck. I’m sitting here crying my fucking eyes out thinking about it. I miss you so fucking much dude. I know you know and it just sucks. I don’t want to say goodbye to you and I never will. You’ll always be a part of me now. I wish this world could have made you more comfortable. I wish so much dude. I wish that I was happy too. But I don’t see that coming any time soon. My world is caving in and I’m doing everything I can to stop it. I want out but I don’t want to end up dead over it. I just wish I knew how to make it better. 

This is the first time I’ve ever wrote anything and made it possible for someone else to read. It’s weird to me. I’ve lost everything I care about in this past year and what I’ve mentioned is barely scratching the surface of what’s happened. I wish I could get close to someone enough to open up like this but more. All the way. There’s so much I want to let go of and get off my chest but I don’t know how and I let it all turn to anger and take it out on myself and everything around me. 

I quit the one steady job I had out of frustration and nothing that had to do with work. The job annoyed me sometimes but I didn’t need to quit like that. The night I quit I was ready to kill myself. I still want to most nights but for some reason I don’t bother trying anymore. It’s futile. It won’t work even if I try. Something always stops it from going as planned so I’ve given up on it. I wish I didn’t quit. I wish I knew how to talk to Joe or Narissa about getting my position or any position back. It was the only thing that got me out of my house and it somehow kinda kept my mind off things sometimes. I have other jobs but they’re not steady enough to keep me distracted. I’m already getting behind on bills because of my stupidity. Why do I do this?

I barely use this. I am deleting all of my social network accounts tonight. Im done getting fucked over. If you care to be friends my phone number is (518)-590-2737.